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Greetings, web surfer, netmancer, social networker, blogger, webateer and/or internet junkie! Welcome to this special post!

If you are reading this, it is either because you follow me on Tumblr (not likely, as that’d be a waste of time since I almost never use it) or because we are associates or - dare I say it - friends, and I have sent you a link to this post (I can do that, right?) in order to quickly, easily and succinctly communicate my stance on a couple things, thereby eliminating potential awkwardness… OR WORSE. Isn’t this fun already?

Let me first explain my stance on relationships: NO.

To elaborate, I’m not into them. I’ve tried and failed - IMMENSELY - on multiple occasions, and have therefore been turned off to the idea entirely. This does not mean I do not believe in the continuation of my species; I simply choose to retain my genes the way great authors - like Frank Herbert, author of the infamous Dune chronicles - retain the rights to their works, i.e. to their death, and beyond.* My reasoning is as follows: I am a deeply flawed individual, whose only hope is the Bible’s promise of the world being remade into the perfect paradise God originally intended, to be populated by perfect, flawless, faithful human beings. I do not believe that marital bliss between flawed people in a flawed world is a practical expectation without the blessing and holy spirit of our creator, who, frankly, would much rather have us out preaching the good news of His Kingdom as single, flexible full-time servants anyway. While this is obviously a goal of mine, the aforementioned deep flaws constantly impede my progress in that regard, thereby also eliminating me from any serious contention for one’s potential mate. Likewise, I cannot consider anyone a potential mate when I have so little to bring to the table in the way of qualifications and virtues. If this were to change (indeed, any progress from my current state I view as a blessing), I would nonetheless feel it was my duty to continually devote myself to said preaching work, in one way or another.

Now, I understand completely that one cannot predict the future, especially one with as dismal a point of view as I serially saddle myself with. I know my dream girl could, in fact, be out there waiting for me to bump into her somehow, so let me describe in detail that girl. She will be already engaged in the full-time ministry for several years; she will have a light heart, a sharp wit and gifted intelligence; she will be adventurous and spontaneous, but balanced with reason and prioritized practicalities; she will look and sound like Audrey Hepburn (English accents are just BETTER) and drive a Mini Countryman S with a manual transmission (yes, I’m serious - that choice alone would speak volumes about her taste, which must mimic mine); (UPDATE: I’ll also accept a Range Rover Evoque 4-door as a correct response) she will have exquisite taste in music, a cleaner sense of humor than my own, and still balance all these virtues with true humility.

Does this list of requisites not describe you? Fear not! For while I may be deeply flawed, many of my strengths lie in my being a good true friend! With me you can enjoy great taste in music and entertainment, a dry sense of humor, an always willing ride to the next adventure, a great vacation spot (if you get in REALLY good), and a listening ear, with a 50% chance of getting good advice along with it! I also enjoy being generous, so you can too! Gifts range from geeky sci-fi paraphrenalia to pastry cookers to jewelry and especially gadgets. Sweet, huh? I’m like Santa but part Jewish. And I’m real. And not fat.

So that’s where we’re at. Friendships are fantastic. But that’s all I can offer. I repeat: that’s ALL you get. Let’s have no more misunderstandings, please and thanks. I look forward to hangin wit yall (or something trendylike).

- Shane

* For more information on authors retaining the rights to their work beyond their journey to the infinite blackness of nonexistence, please visit the fantastically-put-together YouTube channel, CGPGrey, particularly the video entitled “Copyright: Forever Less One Day”.

I had a good day today (better than yours, Sarah, but congratulations nonetheless). I had my meeting at a leisurely 11:30, followed by the astonishingly amazing culinary ecstasy known as the filet sliders at Gibsons. Then a wee nap followed by a relaxing and fun 19 hole frisbee golf game, which I won at 1 under par. Then we went and saw The Avengers, and thanks to my low expectations, and Joss Whedon’s valiant effort, I found it very entertaining.

So not a great day, but very good. I really needed it.

I just watched the documentary, Senna, about Formula One legend Ayrton Senna, which I’d been waiting forever to see, having heard how good it was. It was indeed quite good; absorbing, informative, authentic. But, that said, I don’t think it was any better than Top Gear’s 15 minute tribute on episode 5 of series 15. Top Gear’s tribute had more soul, personal connection, better music (THREE RADIOHEAD SONGS - EEEEK!), and brought Ayrton Senna into the present day by current F1 champion Lewis Hamilton driving Senna’s infamous McLaren car, fulfilling one of his lifelong dreams and making it “one of the best days of [his] life.”

Also, the feature-length documentary was curiously missing the occasion where Senna stopped his car mid-race after seeing someone have an accident, jump out of his car, and rush to the driver’s aid. What racing driver does that? He did, and it should have been shown to the world in the documentary bearing his name. Thank goodness Top Gear showed it, or I’d have never known it happened.

This has been a post.

To quote Kelly Oxford, “Your mind cannot comprehend the immensity of the —— I do not give” about that movie.

sarahnoodles:

that can express how unfunny Adam Sandler’s new movie, Jack and Jill, looks to me.

Last night/this morning I had one I really felt was worth immortalizing on the internet.

I dreamt that my friend Emma got a large dog - some variety of Golden Retriever I think? - that was super happy and had loads of personality. I was playing with it, it was hanging on to me on my back or something, and then I decided fun time was over and set it down on the ground. As soon as I sat in a chair - the director’s chair variety, just happening to be there - it dropped dead.

My friend became enraged at me because she thought I killed it, because I bit it, because I was a vampire, because I liked Twilight. I had to forcefully convince her that I was not, in fact, a vampire, because if I had been, my bite would have turned the dog into an undead monster vampire dog instead of just killing it (even though I don’t think that’s how it works in all those stories).

That was my defense.

And this was just one dream in an episodic stream of weird ones involving aliens, celebrities and time travel. All in one sleep cycle.

Beat that, internet.

So Hollywood seems very adept and willing to throw money at semi-crap movies made after comic books (Captain America), toys (Transformers) and games (Resident Evil). They put tens of millions into the movie, and get hundreds of millions back out. This is a working system, for better or worse.

I’m thinking they should give Portal a shot at the big screen. It already has some very cinematic elements to it: a lonely girl in a world she’s struggling to understand; an evil overmind robot testing the limits of human tolerance and intelligence; a dark atmosphere hiding many secrets and hazards; quirky side-characters; and a cool piece of technology I don’t believe we’ve seen in a film yet - the portal gun.

All you need to do is add a back story, a goal with some kind of profoundness (beyond simply survival) and some fresh talent we haven’t seen to bring it to life. People will pay millions just to see the portal gimmick alone; if you draw them in with a stylized vision and keep their attention with a suspenseful story, you’ve got one very effective dark scifi dramedy on your hands.

Amiright?

Maybe I should do some script-writing…